The Coconut Garden

THE COCONUT GARDEN

01-04-2020

Most times when I talk about my life and experiences, I talk more on how it has affected my mindset and convictions. I don't really focus on the subject themselves, but I will try here.

 The first nine years of my life seemed like one who was building a strong mindset. This is because I faced something I call "a tough time".

I was not born to see the first child of my family, a girl. She died before I was born.😢😥 My other siblings are males. I have three younger and one elder.

The reason for my second paragraph is that I lost my mom at that age.😢😢😿 So, I could identify what pain meant and what loneliness and perseverance was like. 

A lot happened, I can't express with words, emotions take that place a lot of times. Okay, that's a fast forward, but I should flash back later in the article.

It makes me sad though; a dreaded scar but uncontrollable. Yeah! So I grew up among guys!! Mhen, they're the best creatures, for me. Maybe because we share the same bloodline, I can't say. 

I hate cancer! It shouldn't exist!! 👎😠😠Yeah, I think so. Sooooo, my dad remarried. And as the only girl, I had no choice, I had to stay with my new mom. I was young. A dozen old.

It was hard. I tried containing all the pains like a bucket with a tight lid; I found solace in silence. Maybe for a reason: I got into masturbation earlier without knowing what it really was. I knew I was not doing something right. But it felt good. I felt I could shut myself in and hate the world outside! Seriously, I got really deep within and I was and the same time, empty and filled with a lot of guilt like I was the cause of my pains.

I wasn't talking to anyone. I had feeble knees and courage watered down. Who was I to even stand in a congregation? And when I did, it felt like boldness had no place for me. Do you have people around who laugh at you and would ask you to sit when you state your stance and it doesn't seem like it made any sense?

At 14 (SS1/SS2), I got exposed to the meaning of my secret act. Wow! I became sure that I wasn't doing the right thing. But I couldn't stop. It felt like something I always do to unwind. It later became my source of low self esteem.

I was brilliant, cute, portable and very determined (the positive impact of being a loner). And that was on the outside. I was shattered, ugly, used, maltreated, confused and clueless of how my future would look like (on the inside). I felt I couldn't amount to anything; like my dignity died the moment I lost my mom.

Some feelings are so deep that you could begin seeing yourself as a devil or maybe a moving corpse. This is how suicidal feelings come.

Do I have a witness?😎

It was really terrible. Few times I thought of suicide as a way out. But, I couldn't just do it, 🙊because I was taught in the Sunday school that I would end up in hell if I did.

Little did I know that the battles I was fighting within would be an introductory passage to the story of my life.

You ask why I can share freely?? It's Resilience. And it takes Grace to encounter it.💞

  

Staying with my step mom was another dark tunnel filled with water mixed with ice. I didn't like her around. 😤I even learned to forget things easily, because each time I remember some of her utterances, I just hated my life. I felt I should die. Several times I prayed to God to take me away from the torture. He listened and was there with me, for me. I can't explain how I scaled through, feels like a dream already.

After secondary school, I became an apprentice at a printing press. During this period, I encountered a man who abused me.👀😣😔 It appeared like he was helping me (according to him though), and I was naïve. But, It didn't feel right. So, for the first time, I had to talk to a friend (my then best friend, a male), who pumped some courage into me to speak to my family. After the issue got resolved, this friend again persuaded me until I had to face the man and spilled all I had in mind. From that moment till date, I have made it a habit to stand up for myself even when no one sees what I see.

While working on my self esteem, I knew I had to do away with sin. Several times I prayed and cried, made new year resolutions, denied myself a lot of goodies, so as to become free of the addiction, all to no avail. I remember telling my pastor's wife and she just prayed with me, I actually couldn’t decode if she understood my plight. This worsened as I hated myself the more.😟 I lived selflessly, not because I wanted to be selfless, but because I didn't think I was worth any amount of love and accolade. Self hatred is the most deadly illness I have experienced. And I just accepted the way people treated me, even if it was like trash😕

Dear reader, even if/when the world seem to be against you and life gets tougher by the day, do not forget God's love for you. This is because, the moment you begin to feel worthy to be a child of the Almighty God, you get to understand what it means to be beautiful and wonderfully made. 

See, we humans are just like tissue paper, ordinarily, but with God, we are valiant soldiers and a big asset to His kingdom. "Do not let any man despise your youth..."(1Tim 4 vs 12a)" "Let no man trouble me, for I bear in my body the scars that show that I belong to Jesus" (Gal 6:17). Until I fully understood these verses of the scriptures, the more I hated myself, the more I moved farther from God's presence in my life.🤭

Overtime, I have been able to understand the reasons God made me go through all of that. I can share it boldly because it is a testimony and nothing else. 💪And I really want to be there for others, if possible for the world. That's the reason I came up with Split, although it's currently on hold because I want to know more about psychology, counselling and proper human approach. I really want to talk to people, speak to their inner voices, be there for them in the dark. I want to give them a voice and make them realise the reason for their existence. Maybe I was shut in, bitter, sorrowful and has experienced everything that comes with depression. I know a little bit of what it means and I can't wait to be a member of those who God has called to heal the world psychologically and emotionally. 

 I have been learning to relax and be calm. You have to make use of every opportunity and be sure you are doing it right.

As a woman you have to be an ambassador for your kids.👸👨‍👩‍👧‍👧👩‍👩‍👧👩‍👩‍👧‍👦

I remember something that conspired between me and a guy I met in school, more like a short date (ahrm... Don't worry, it's not what you are thinking😁). At the end, I had to make him realise that if we had ended up together, how would I explain meeting him to God, then my kids. If I claim to be strong, then why can't I be strong and not give in to weaknesses and youthful pleasures? Don't wait till you have been overcome by the flesh, please don't. Get yourself involved with God and every other thing you desire will be added.

Just one day, it would be over and your purpose for the pain would eventually emerge!(Tamar)

If you want to be strong, start now! So you get used to it at the end of the day. While we pray, don't forget to make it a mindset, something we deliberately work on. The Bible says "A man that has self-control is stronger than a soilder that conquers a city, which means we just have to be strong. The garment that fits does not mean it is comfortable. Keep being strong!! I know we are humans but we need to build our mindset to get over some things in our head. The devil has a way of stocking our minds with a lot of things. So, for example, when you have decided to get married as a virgin, remind yourself that You are not a mediocre. So dear, challenges are waiting!! John 16:33 says: "In the world, you'll face trials and tribulations, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world". Therefore, instead of the world to see you as a weakling, because of your faith in God, She will see you as a hero and heroine. It is not enough to stoop low. 

Also, it is okay to feel bad about a lot of things, learn to put it into God's hands. Trust me, He is best at ruling in the affairs of men. Give yourself some love and stop all the self condemnation already.

So many people are still struggling with what they have testified over. God made me busy that I didn't have time for addictions anymore. Money has to be made, lolz😄😁😆. Make sure to be busy adding value to yourself and the world at large. Meaning when we lay ourselves down for the devil to use, we will definitely be used.🤔 Each time I remind myself; "babe you can't continue like this", I feel I have a refreshed grace that God has got me covered. And of course, I give myself accolades.😇😇 These accolades are important because they remind us that we have our spirit, soul and body altogether. And they work hand in hand. We are flesh and blood. Whatever you indulge in, your flesh and spirit are responsible. So, you have to deal with them accordingly, be closest to God more than ever. His grace alone is enough for as long as we breath. You just have to get hold of yourself and do things right. You might not be able to help it "Take a chill pill" and deal with it slow and steady.

Finally, I need you to be strong.💪 As difficult as it may seem, it's possible. Even when you think you are not progressing, learn to live in the process and trust God for a better you everyday. 

🤩😍🥰😊☺️😘🤗🥳🥳🖤♥️💘💝💜💙💚💛🧡💕💞💓💖❣️💌💕💟💝💘♥️🖤💜

Tamar's Corner: You are a survivor dear lady, let your story be heard. Learn from every experience life brings your way and learn the act of channeling your anger in the right direction, at the right time.

🌼🌻🏵️🌸🌺🌷🥀🌹💐💮🌼🌻🌸🌸🌷

Meet Esther

She's pretty yeah?

That's how Star do.

Kuforiji Esther is a graduate from the department of Philosophy, Lagos State University (LASU). She is the founder of Split Global,  a platform made available for teenagers and young adults to get oriented about life in order to prepare adequately for their future (psychologically and emotionally), therefore, building a better society of resilient individuals. She is a business lady with so much enthusiasm to get better everyday.

Thank you very much Sweet Reader.

The Survival Series would run for the Wednesday's in April.

4Stories, 1Message.

#Giveherstruggleavoice.

#Survivalseries 

Yours Sincerely,

Tamar.