THE FORGOTTEN PASSWORD

Dear you reading this;

You know how you open an account and forget the password because you have been using other accounts and now they have all crashed.😰😨 So you have to reset the password to get access to it again.     

                               

 Growing up wasn't so much fun. It was rather crazy. Now I wouldn't say I didn't get love from my parents I did but you know when you are growing up and get to that point where a lot fills your mind. Like "no one loves you even your parents", "when you die you would know people that care", "you need to find love outside all of this" and many more. Then your subconscious mind begins to agree and act on it.

At age 9 the only person that understood me died😟😥😢It just got me deeper into the thoughts especially "no one loves you and you need to find it anywhere, no matter what" . The search began. Living a life of low self esteem made everything else seem like it was too good for me. Being fat didn't even help issues, being laughed at and mocked added to the feelings.

 At age 11 my first boyfriend, the first person to accept me for being fat and still called me beautiful even when at age 10 a guy liked my friend over me when he clearly knew I liked him(cause of my size though)Lmao..., funny right.🤦

I went to church and was taught about God and His love but it didn't make sense because I had not taken it seriously. (Taking time out to experience God's love like I was meant to). My first relationship was okay till it ended, that was where the search became deeper and I became desperate. Moving from one guy to another, having a back up plan when one stopped showing me love, settling for less because I was moved once I heard anything like "he understood and loved me" it didn't get old, trust me. Although it was never the truth because they didn't understand me.

Every relationship I entered took a part of me,reducing me to almost nothing😤😪. At 20 still getting rejected and picked over but it seemed like as the years went by, the crave for love grew stronger. No one could give me what I wanted and I turned into a nag because I couldn't get it the way I liked it. Though I knew they couldn't give me what I wanted, whenever they wanted to go I begged them to stay reducing my value and love for myself.

Now I am 20+ and tired of doing it on my own. I got into a relationship that felt different, like it was the end. My perception about relationships is, you meet someone and decide to be with them regardless, so this was it. After many years of having back ups and not trusting guys. I decided to trust this one and make it work. I gave in my mind, soul, spirit and body. Signs and fights didn't push me away, you know that feeling that comes with being commited for once as a result of failed relationships, yeah, I was fighting with this fear. Here I had peace being with this guy, it felt real and final. But most times when we desperately look for something we unconsciously settle for less. When you do not have principles down or love for yourself to know when you should leave, you would keep bearing every thing you should have walked away from. When he was tired of coping he left and nothing I did made him come back😭😭. Well because I didn't understand or even love myself I had made this guy my god not a partner. He was given responsibilities he couldn't handle because he wasn't God but this human was tired of trying to be with me, yet I knew I had someone that loved me though I couldn't see Him. 

"We always have someone that loves us but we rather love someone that loves another." He loved and wanted to have all my fears, my feelings and heal me but I looked for it in man. I had put all in that man and now I had to just accept that we couldn't work out and move on." He wasn't for you, your man is coming", I hear that all the time. I started feeling something was wrong with me. 

People might find it stupid but I wanted to die. Yes desperately. No one loved me enough to want to be with me. What was God doing. He made me such an emotional lady only to leave me lonely. Thoughts came to my head back and forth but the thought that stood out was "Everyone is happy in the world except you".

 It was like love wasn't meant for me. I felt empty because like I said earlier they all took something when they left. 

Broken and lost I went back to my maker. I wanted to understand how strong His love was that He had to send His Son to die for me. It wasn't an easy task or decision but it turned out to be the best. Ups and downs, going back to my vomit like a dog and sometimes I wanted to feel the love the human could give but still got broken over again. Note this, do not get me wrong some human feelings are real but when you do not understand John:3 vs 16 clearly and build the love from within, you can never be satisfied by the one the world gives. I started learning to love myself. I started learning to accept God's love for me. It felt good. Lol, it feels good and now I can say nothing I searched for beats how I feel right now.😁 Well I know you would be thinking has she see the man now? Lol 😅she has not. She is still building herself till he finds her. God's time is the best. But some days I understand clearly how it feels to want a love you can touch but trust me when you feel the love you cannot touch the love you can touch makes so much sense🙈. So though it is human to crave it, you should still have the courage to wait and believe that God makes things beautiful in His time. Thanks to all the pain, I understood all the rejection brought me to His feet. God isn't looking for people that know it all. He is looking for people that are searching for answers and are willing to reach out to Him. He didn't love me because I was perfect but because I was imperfect and with his Love He made me perfect.

Just like the account you want to reset. I had to go to the owner of the account to get the password. It's never hard as far as you go back to Him. His account is always there for you just ask him for the key and to guide you through, He is willing to receive you and teach you all over again as far as you listen. 

Note: it only gets better. Rome wasn't build in a day. I am still learning, unlearning, loving, unloving but most of all I am growing in God's Love.

Sing Along: 🎶🎶🎶🎵🎤🎤🎷🎷🎧🥁🎻🎸🎺

No one else can touch my life like you do,

I have searched through all eternity long,

And found there is none like you. 

I love you forever*3🥁🥁

 Lord

I'll worship forver *3

Lord

Esther Ukpong studied Computer Science at Caleb University. She is a data analyst at Krustylab.

Esther has so much interest in the girl child and has a platform where she mentors them. she is a writer and has a vlog(Essy_Thotz) where she talks on topics that aid in a peaceful relationship with everyone. She has a flare for acting, sings and dances to a fault.

She loves baking, exploring and taking lots of pictures and fun to be with.

Thank you so much for following our survival series.

Love from;

Tamar🧚