BEFORE YOU LET GO

I just want to share a personal story on LOVE

I grew up with quite a measure of hatred in my heart. Dont get me wrong I believe I was a sweet little girl who loved to play and feel the cool breeze on her skin but I struggled with alot growing up. I fought quite often with my siblings plus a full measure of low self esteem which I drowned in😪. Of course, my parents brought us up well and showed us love the way they knew best but for me, I just did not feel I belonged😶.

I did not think I had any good thing resident in me and this made me hide in myself. Most days, I cried myself to sleep as I sought for acceptance from the society. 

 My parents separated in 2009(but thank God for now) and hell was let loose!😟😢😥 I felt my world burn into ashes before my very eyes. My elder siblings left home at a point and I had to mature fast and be a role model for my younger sibling as well as a support system for my mum. Mehn, it was not funny! I had to leave for school in 2015 to walk unfamiliar terrain. As at the time, I had never been to the East and here I was packing my bags to spend years away from home. Getting to the East, I cried during my first days there😪. This was because I felt the weather was too harsh on my delicate dark skin plus the people were quite aggressive. This was in complete contrast to where I was coming from.  I felt the weather did injustice to my physical appearance, I felt like being invisible to the world and that was where my act of walking face down got perfected! I had no friends as I was all by myself and was quite unfamiliar with the language. 

My low self esteem at this point was so high so I searched for acceptance anywhere, everywhere! I longed to be seen, heard and loved but I could not because I did not think I was beautiful enough like the heavenly light skinned girls in school.😟😬 So, even if you approached me (male or female), I just did not trust you completely because I felt you had an ulterior motive. "C'mon, I did not feel beautiful enough so why are you coming my way?"). So, if I saw an inch of acceptance anywhere, I plunged for it.

At this stage of my life, did I know God? Yes, I did but I just did not trust Him enough to understand my pain and anger. I guess He wanted me but I guess I did not think I was ready for all the "serious God life". So, I decided to be a partial Christian. I went for fellowships mostly because I did not want the visitation or welfare group at my door the coming week. I am sure some of us can relate to this😅. I did not attend social events in school and even when invited by some folks, I quickly gave a red card. At school, I was doing well as most people felt I was a genius but I did not feel that way about myself. I just saw myself as a NOBODY! 

Shortly after I graduated from the university, I got depressed! 🥺😟😰The cause? I honestly did not know! I started feeling out of place. I thought about how backward I am in comparison with my mates. I thought about the blows of hurt I constantly received due to my parents separation. In this world of loneliness, nothing could just fill the void in me. So I just shut everyone out and decided to live life my way. I hardly remembered God existed let alone talk to him. Here, I found myself plunging into things I never thought I would ever do in my lifetime and guess what? I engaged in these activities without remorse! It was like my conscience was dead to every moral knowledge I ever had! My goodness!

So, I was home on this particular day and I could literally feel the emptiness of my life. I had the time to think about myself and I found out I had nothing! I did not know where I was going and I felt really dirty that afternoon. I could not recognize me and then it hit me- I was at the end of the rope!

At that point, I just talked with God (cause it seemed that was my only option) as if He was right there with me in the room. I had to open up about my struggles because c'mon, He's God. He knows every tiny detail. I wept profusely and just kept on speaking whether or not He could hear me. I felt a strange peace after the prayers.😁 That same day, our final year result came out and my heart was pounding because I knew deep within that my grades had dropped so I was not expecting much. Dear Tamar, I am weeping as I write this because on that day God's mercy found me!🤗🤗

God's love was patient with me till I came running back into His arms like the prodigal son. God honored me at a time when I did not deserve it. He washed me and gave me His identity. When everyone was singing my praise during my convocation ceremony, I knew that it could have only been God! Today, tables have turned and I walk with my head high because I know who my Father is.

Dear reader, God's love is real and He told us that no matter how dirty we are, we should come BOLDLY to the throne of Grace. It does not matter what happened in the past. All He wants is for you to open up the door of your heart and let Him in. He has been waiting patiently to show how much He truly loves you. Do not shut Him out. Just one chance is enough!

💓💞💌💟❤️🧡💛💗💖💝♥️💜💙💚💕😍🥰🤩

Tamar's Corner

Before you let go remember these words: You are not alone.God is always with you.

About the Author: 

Onuoha Chiamaka Beatitude, a slave for Christ and a graduate of History and Strategic Studies  from Alex Ekwueme Federal University Ndufu-Alike, Ikwo, Ebonyi State. She is  a serving corp member in the University of Maiduguri. She is also a member of Young Politicians and Leaders Network, an organization that is set out to train young people to become leaders, diplomats and entrepreneurs. She is aso  a Membership Ambassador for the aformentioned organization. She is passionate about her society as well as giving back to society and that is why she engages in volunteering activities with such bodies as Thriving Youth Initiative, Rejoice Shammah Initiative and Voice Against Rape and Sexual Harassment where she plays the role of a counsellor.

Yours Sincerely, 

Tamar🥰